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Recent Posts

Neighbourly Love In South Africa, Part II- The Return of Dick

Oh man, have I got a story for you! Remember last week when I told you about my crazy, spineless neighbour? If not, you can read about it here. Long story short, I have a neighbour who’s an absolute nincomboob. He LIKES to be called Dr Bareng Job Kenneth Motshwane (he “earned” a wannabe degree from a university that is pretty much a laughing stock, but he’s hilariously proud of it, much like a 3-year-old who’s proud of creating a […]

Christmas Song

Need Some New Christmas Music?

It’s almost Christmas, so I should probably get around to posting a sappy holiday entry soon, but in the meantime, I thought I’d help you all out with a perennial holiday conundrum. If you’re like me, you love Christmas but hate Christmas music (mostly). Cause let’s face it, most Christmas songs suck. Do you like Carly Rae Jepsen? This has nothing to do with her. Almost. A while ago, I had street cred and played in a band, which happened […]

If You Don’t Know How To Use A Public Bathroom, This Post Is For You!

Look, South Africa, we need to talk. You’re home to some of the best wildlife, okay-est food, most wonderful people, and most hilarious fashion choices. I love all of it. But as evidenced by the fact I recently wrote about being on peed on in a public washroom, your bathroom etiquette might need a little tweaking. And if you don’t believe me, just check out this sign I recently saw in a public loo: There’s just so much going on there. […]


Neighbourly Love in South Africa- Or Something Like That

Sorry for the long wait in between posts. I had to pee. It came out SUPER slow. But thanks to people harassing me online and in person (I’m looking at you, Illza), I’m back. What can I say- I’m a sucker for peer pressure. And I also have a neighbour who’s worth writing about. In my real life, we recently wrapped up an amazing 3-week visit with some great friends from Canada. We had fun introducing them to all the […]

The Time I Got Peed On At A Urinal

You Wanted A Urinal Story- You Got It!

OK, let’s be honest, nobody has ever asked for a urinal story. That’s just insane. The title is mostly to warn people what’s coming so they don’t click the link. But YOU clicked, you giant weirdo, so let’s do this. I’ve been knocked out with the flu for the last several days, so I’ve been slacking off on pretty much everything but binge watching American Vandal (which is truly, truly hilarious) and hurling my guts into the toilet over and […]

8 Benefits of Expat Life

8 Colossal Benefits of Expat Life

Last week I posted about 8 Ways Expat Life Sucks Worse Than Puppy Cancer, and I meant every word. But I also said I wouldn’t trade my expat experience for the world, and I meant that, too. So for the sake of balance, I thought I’d post about the benefits of expat life, cause there are many. 1)  You’ll Get To See The World This one’s super obvious, but it still needs to be said. If you want to travel, but […]

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Hi, I’m Phil.

I’ve been many things. A university English instructor, a picker upper of dead bodies, a musician, and a sales guy. My work brought me and my family from Vancouver, Canada to Pretoria, South Africa in September 2016, and I’m still wondering how that happened.

I started this blog mostly because my friends back in Canada kept asking me how things were in South Africa, and posting about my experiences seemed more efficient than repeating myself hundreds of times.

Maple and Marula is a way for me to make sense of my new surroundings as an expat who has no idea what I’m doing.

Words of Praise for Maple & Marula

Not a winner.
-Sabrina Duncan

Condescending Canadian.
-An upset South African guy.

What a lot of codswallop.
-Random South African Woman.