So here’s the deal- when I first started blogging, I didn’t think anybody was really going to read the crap I puked out onto the internet. I blogged simply because I don’t like people. I got sick of answering questions from people back home, and instead of spending time actually talking to anybody, I could simply refer them to my blog and be done with it. I started it on a free website and didn’t give a turd about how it looked or anything. Then something strange happened. Some of you a-holes spread it to other a-holes who also spread it, and before I knew it, the site had thousands and thousands of views and was featured on a couple major websites, and then I had a predicament. I wasn’t particularly proud of the site. It was pretty much the equivalent of me walking around my house in my underwear, slathered in butter and jellybeans (don’t judge- the butter holds the jellybeans to my skin, making them available for quick and easy access). It’s fine for my friends to see me like that, but I wouldn’t necessarily want oodles of strangers observing my shame.
It was the same with the website. So now, because of you jerks, I’ve been forced to shell out for a real domain name, a real website, and now I suppose I’ll have to start posting real content. OK, maybe not that last one. I now have several expats and people interested in South Africa e-mailing me for advice, which is hilarious. If they only knew me, they’d know I barely know how to keep myself alive, let alone be a wealth of helpful knowledge. In any event, here we are.
First, I’d like to thank my friend Mark Hughes for coming up with the website name. For those of you who are incredibly thick, the maple tree is Canada’s national tree, and the marula tree is iconic in South Africa, mostly because elephants like to get white-girl wasted on its fermented fruit. I had some truly awful ideas for a new name, so thanks for bailing me out, Mark!
And thanks to my friend Adamm Mountstevens, who designed both the new logo and the website. He listened to exactly none of my ideas, which is why the site looks so good. If any of you are looking for a graphic designer, hit me up, and I’ll connect you with Adamm.
Ok, so that’s where we are now. Make sure you sign up for the new e-mail list at the bottom of the main page and follow MapleandMarula on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (convenient links are all on the main page). But all this doesn’t make for a particularly interesting post.
You’re here for more than me talking about the new website. You’re here to find out about life in South Africa. You’re here to read about crazy crime and crazy life in general. You’re here to laugh at my shopping misfortunes. You’re here to learn about being an expat. You’ll get none of that in this post, though stay tuned- all that and more will be coming in future posts.
This post is about animals.
I’ve written about Kruger National Park before and claimed it was my favourite place on earth. To prove I’m not a liar, we went back last month for a few days. I found out last minute that there were a couple of public holidays coming up (South Africans LOVE not working, and it seems like there’s another holiday every other week. This isn’t a slight; to the contrary, our workaholic culture in Canada could learn a thing or two about the art of relaxing), and if I took one day off work, I’d actually have 5 days off. The only problem was that Kruger Park books up months in advance, so there was no availability at the park’s numerous rest camps. However, I discovered that their online booking system (which, like any online system in South Africa, works only periodically) is live, meaning as soon as someone cancels, that spot opens up and can be booked if you’re quick enough.
By hovering over my computer for a couple of hours two evenings in a row, I was able to book 4 nights in the park- two nights in a tent campsite, and two nights in a bungalow. It was a little bit of extra hassle moving camps each night, but whatever, it meant we could have a great last minute vacation!
I’m not going to bore you with a detailed description of all the animals we saw. Here’s a summary- there were a boatload of them.
However, one thing I really wanted to see was a male lion up close. We’d seen them before from a distance, but they were sleeping and not really doing anything lion-y like killing the crap out of another animal or robbing a bank or anything. On our last day on the way out of the park, we finally saw the holy grail! Not only were there a male and female lion right beside us, and not only did they stick around, but after a few minutes, they wandered behind my bakkie (truck, for those of you reading anywhere in the world that isn’t South Africa) and had wild, unhinged, dirty lion sex. For like 20 seconds. Because that’s how long lions last. King of the jungle, maybe, but I’ve got those suckers beat in the sheets by at LEAST 7 seconds. Take that, stupid felines.
Babe, I swear that’s never happened before
20 seconds??? You’re kidding me, right?
So ya, that was pretty cool. Like, not for the lioness, though. But I’ve seen enough nature documentaries to know that you can’t call yourself a nature fan unless you’ve watched animals doin’ it.
The cool thing about Kruger Park is that you don’t have to watch animals boning to have a good time (you know, in case you’re a prude or something). Cause there’s lots of other things to see.
This is pretty much the look I have on my face the whole time whenever I’m in Kruger Park
Murder log
Sword Donkeys
I tried to trade my kids for this hyena cub. Momma hyena was having none of it. Momma human was weighing the pros and cons
Not pictured- super conservative idiot baboons complaining that the mother didn’t cover up
Elephant babies are adorable
I couldn’t think of anything witty to say about this one. Screw you. Just enjoy the jackals
Don’t worry man. It happens to the best of us
A baboon with erectile dysfunction seems like a pretty good way to end this post. Thanks for checking out the new site. I promise the next post won’t be about animals!
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