Getting a Learner’s Licence in South Africa, or How to Give up on Life

So, a lot has happened since my last post. One minute, we were on the trip of a lifetime in Namibia, and then….BOOM! Australia burned down, Iran and the US got into some kind of tiff, well known rapist/basketball player Kobe Bryant died in a horrific helicopter crash, a bunch of uptight weirdos got all butt-hurt over Shakira and J. Lo’s butts at Super Bowl LIV, Kim Jong-Un died, but not really because he came back to life and cut a ribbon at a factory or something, we found out that UFO’s are totally a thing for realz, Gwyneth Paltrow’s already super kooky company claimed its rightful place as kookiest of all when it released a candle that smelled like Gwyneth Paltrow’s hippo yawn, and the Vancouver Canucks didn’t win the Stanley Cup for the forevereth time in a row (at least they have an excuse this year).

Hey 2020, could you just…NOT for like 5 freaking minutes?

Oh ya, and also the zombie apocalypse happened.

Speaking of which, I got wind something was going down and made last minute plans to return to Canada 2 days before South Africa announced the lockdown, and we left the day before the whole country paused. But more on that in another post maybe if I feel like it.

Learner's License South Africa
Ya. I wasn’t kidding about the whole leaving part.

The week before THAT, I was sitting in a room full of teenagers and a stern-faced woman ensuring everybody kept their eyes on the screen in front of them. And here’s the backstory.

Last year, we made plans to visit Canada from April 9 to May 3, with a little stop at Disney World in Florida along the way. The timing was partly because my Canadian driver’s licence (which was legal to use in South Africa) was set to expire on April 30. No problem; I’d renew it on my return visit and everything would be lekker.

But it wasn’t lekker.

Before the airlines officially shut down, we already decided to postpone our trip because of the ever growing threat of Covid-19. And that meant I wouldn’t have a valid driver’s licence in South Africa. And knowing my luck, that meant I’d be properly screwed.

I called ICBC, the issuing authority for driver’s licences in my home province of British Columbia, and they very helpfully informed me that there was nothing they could do without me being there in person. They clearly didn’t know who I think I am, but whatever.

I found out that it would be a relatively simple process to convert my Canadian licence to a South African licence IF I was permanent resident. The only problem with that is that I wasn’t a permanent resident. As hard as I stared at my visa, willing it to change, it remained a temporary resident visa.

If I wanted to continue driving legally in South Africa, my ONLY option was to start with my South African learner’s licence.

So I started the path down that rabbit hole.

Learner's License South Africa
I worked harder for this piece of paper than I did for my Master’s degree. I’m not even joking.

Learner’s Licence: Day 1

In some South African provinces, the process is as simple as going into the nearest licensing office, paying a fee, and booking your learner’s licence test. But Gauteng is ahead of the curve. Because Gauteng is so technologically advanced, you need to book your learner’s licence test online.

And of course, for the first several hours I tried, the official website was down.

Just as I was about to give up for the day, the page finally loaded, and registering for my learner’s licence exam was a relatively simple process. However, because South Africa has an uncanny ability to take perfectly good ideas and unimprove them, you can’t actually confirm the appointment online. You need to pay in person at a licensing department, and at that point, your appointment you made online is confirmed. Which begs the question, why do you need to book online if you can’t pay online? Doesn’t that just turn a one-step process into a two-step process? Yes. Yes it does. And if you still question why logic rarely rears its head in South Africa, you haven’t lived in South Africa long enough. Things like this just…are.

So off I went to the licensing office. Once there, I was met by a guard who told me there was nobody there because there wasn’t any hand sanitizer. I wasn’t even mad. I’d rather see people take Covid-19 seriously rather than just be all willy nilly about it. I asked him when he thought they’d be open again, and he just gave me an all-too-familiar shrug and said, “maybe tomorrow.”

Day 2

Ok, cool. Maybe tomorrow morning rolled around, and I rocked up to the licensing office just before opening. I was happy to see it was open, because my learner’s licence exam was booked for the next day.

I wasn’t so happy to see giant masses of people milling around the gates.

The employees in the licensing office were taking social distancing very seriously and only allowing a handful of people into the office compound at a time. That would be great, but then the hundred or so other people just jammed up against the gate waiting for their turn to get in and be socially distanced. There was nobody telling people where to stand, so everybody just kind of crushed up against each other, and I had no choice but to join the wannabe orgy.

All I could think about as I was waiting, able to feel the breath of the person behind me on the back of my neck, was that I wished my wife liked touching me as intimately as the people surrounding me seemed to enjoy it. Personal space isn’t really a thing in South Africa.

Learner's License South Africa
Here’s everybody socially distancing inside once they escaped the crowd outside the gates.

After about 2 hours of futilely asking the people around me to back up even the slightest little bit, I was somehow lucky enough to be selected to enter the gate. From there, it was easy. I had to show my unconfirmed online booking appointment for my learner’s licence (which I had to print out) and pay a fee, and I was booked! Easy peasy.

Off I went to get my eye exam done at the mall, because I had heard from some very helpful sources that having it done ahead of time saves several headaches. And I’m a fan of avoiding headaches.

Day 3

The next day, I showed up at the licensing centre to see the exact same scenario as the day before. But this time, I had an appointment. I elbowed my way to the front of the crowd (I’ve learned a trick or two in my time in South Africa) and told the security guard that I had an appointment for my learner’s licence at 8am.

And just like that, I was in!

An official gathered all the people writing their learner’s test together and brought us into a room. She clearly explained the instructions, and then set us loose on our respective computer screens, glancing up from her desk every couple of minutes to ensure none of us were up to any shenanigans.

After a few minutes, the computer told me I passed. I was the first one finished, and the examiner asked if I already had an eye test completed. I said I did, and the helpful examiner said in that case, I just needed to go to the eye testing centre (in the same building, just down the hall) and get them to stamp the certificate, at which point I could pay and be on my way with my new learner’s licence!

But of course it didn’t work out that way.

I went to the waiting area and was confronted by a security guard, who for the purposes of this post, I’ll affectionately refer to as Booby Brains. Or BB for short.

BB: What are you doing here? I didn’t tell you to come in.

Me: Sorry about that. No, but I just finished writing the test for my learner’s licence , and the examiner told me to wait here to get my eye test stamped.

BB: You must wait in the queue with everybody else outside. Why do you think you’re better than everybody else?

Me: Huh? I don’t! I promise you. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression.

BB: Are you wearing a badge?

Me: uh…no. No, I’m not wearing a badge.

BB: (proudly pointing to his badge): I’m wearing a badge. I’m in charge here. You’re not. You must go wait outside, then you can come in when I say you can.

Me: *Inwardly losing my will to live, yet outwardly forcing a smile anyway: No problem. I’ll go.

After 2.5 hours, it was my turn to enter the gates again. I smiled at BB, went and got my eye test certificate stamped, and was told by the person who stamped it to walk the 7 steps to the cashier to pay.

Learner's License South Africa
Actual picture of the guy waiting in front of me.

So I walked the 7 steps and stood in line. And then BB appeared again.

BB: Why are you back here?

Me: Good to see you again! The lady right there (I point and smile, she smiles and waves back) said to come here to pay.

BB: Oh, so you have a badge now? Let me see your badge.

Me: No sir. I still don’t have a badge. I was just following instructions.

BB: Why her instructions? Who do you think is more important? Me, or her?

Me: Obviously you.

BB: Then get back outside and wait in the queue to come back in to pay.

Me: *soul quickly dying, trudges back outside.

This time the wait was just under 2 hours. But I got it done.

So just to recap, I had to book my exam for my learner’s licence online, but I couldn’t pay online. I had to go in to pay in person to confirm the appointment I already made, which kind of defeats the purpose of booking online.

Then I had to go stand in line to pay. Then again the next day, instead of doing everything all at once, I was forced to go stand in line again and again for each step of the way.

And if any of this sounds even slightly exaggerated, just ask a South African who has recently obtained their learner’s license.

Anyway, this all happened on a Thursday. The following day at 8pm, we decided we were heading home in 4 days’ time, so the whole thing was an exercise in futility.

But at least I got a story out of it. And a learner’s licence that I’ll never use.

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About the Author

I’ve been many things. A university English instructor, a picker upper of dead bodies, a musician, and a sales guy. My work brought me and my family from Vancouver, Canada to Pretoria, South Africa in September 2016, and I’m still wondering how that happened. I started this blog mostly because my friends back in Canada kept asking me how things were in South Africa, and posting about my experiences seemed more efficient than repeating myself hundreds of times. Maple and Marula is a way for me to make sense of my new surroundings as an expat who has no idea what I’m doing.

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29 Comments

  1. I could weep for all those hapless South Africans who’ll go through this process again and yet again – family, friends, acquaintances BUT, NOT ME (OR I, whichever is grammatically correct). I presume you are safely ensconced in BC and enjoying the weather (and the rain). You can buy flip flops and go to the beach – you can even buy a short-sleeved T-shirt, how fortunate. Are you back for good? Well, it may very well turn out to be that way at the rate aircraft are taking to the skies. Enjoy life in the slow lane, and stay safe.

    1. The funny thing is that nobody even bats an eye. It’s just “normal.” But it’s ALWAYS entertaining.

      We actually have now moved to Sudbury, Ontario, which is pretty much as foreign to me as South Africa was when I moved from British Columbia. I’m sure there will be some stories coming out of this place, too…

      1. Certainly hope so. Am thinking Sudbury (I’ve never heard of it, bit will track it down) cannot possibly be as entertaining as any drop in SA. Settle well. Be happy. Stay safe.

      2. Dude, just do it like all other median+ income people in ZA do.
        Pay for it.

        3,500R saved me and my wife all the hassle and had a full learners and drivers license delivered to my doorstep in a week.

        1. Hi
          I saw ur post was this in Gauteng that they helped you. I have been through it 3 times no luck so looking for someone to help get it faster

  2. Happy to know that you got home before lockdown. I’ll then no of you when we go by Sudbury on our Vancouver to Amherst, N.S. grand move with 4 adults, 1 six year old, and 4 cats.

  3. Yes, I remember it well. I must say its good to laugh, but very sad in itself. I do miss my home country, but I still marvel at the efficiencies of the American life. Everything works.. well, almost everything. Is it your plan to head back to South Africa again at some point or is that part of your life over?

    1. While I definitely would jump at the chance to go back, it doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards any time soon. I was always just there on a contract with an expiration date, unfortunately.

  4. Oh, happy memories. Or something like that.
    After living 22 years in South Africa I can picture every move you made. I still have my FULL South African driving license sitting in my wallet, which I have sadly now just noticed has expired. What a good job I am now happily residing in Spain, with a more appropriate one.
    Love your Saffie memories, please keep ’em coming.

    1. Even though I’m gone now, I still have several dozen stories stored up from SA- every single day was an adventure. Not always a good adventure, but an adventure nonetheless.

  5. Ahh Sudbury, I spent a year there one weekend. I was the best man at my friends wedding where the brides family was not particularly in favor of their daughter marrying a South African so none of the groom’s friends were invited to the pre marriage dinner NOR to the reception after the wedding. Perhaps the result of all the carbon monoxide dispersed by the large nickel smelter’s exhaust chimney (affectionately known as “Big Dick”) clouded their sense of appropriate hospitality.
    We did find a great pub where the bartender did not find us objectionable (at least for a while) and happily plied us with Labatts and Molsons.
    I am sure that Big Dick is no more and things have returned to normal so you will be well received despite spending time in Pretoria (where I happened to be born).

    1. Haha! Yes, it definitely feels like we’ve been here for much longer than the month we have. I keep telling myself I’ll get used to it. I don’t believe myself though.

      Big dick is still standing tall and proud! I think there are plans to tear him down, but he’s still as erect as the day he was, well, erected.

  6. Happy you made it home dude, although I miss the more frequent contributions and frustrations! I’m happy for you guys that you didn’t have to face the SA lockdown, but I feel that the internet is a poorer place for not having your critical eye and resultant stream of invective escaping from the desolation of SA quarantine!

    1. Thanks man! To be honest, we wouldn’t have been affected THAT badly in the lockdown so far. I recognize how privileged we are. But more worrying for me was that my work visa is expiring very soon, and I didn’t want to get stuck without work. We were scheduled to leave in August anyway- this just pushed the timeline forward.

      1. Yeah, I remember you saying – no more famous Halloween parties in PTA!
        A good few of my Canadian colleagues also raced home just before the lockdown started in Asia too. Trust you’ll all be safe again soon!

  7. Thank you so much for your entertaining posts! I’m sad you’ve left; where will your content come from now! I hope you’ll be back, and i hope you’ll share the beautiful parts about SA on your travels. Hamba kahle.

    1. We’ll definitely be back for a visit when the universe settles down just a little bit! South Africa has so much more the offer than entertaining encounters with power-drunk petty tyrants! I still have a few stories saved up, and there will definitely be some new ones from this side of the world.

  8. I am waiting with great anticipation for your story about leaving S. Africa to get back to Canada due to COVID and your self quarantine here. I hope you, your smart wife and Kids are all doing as well as you can.

    1. Great to hear from you, Martha! V said she got an email from you the other day. Ya, that’ll be a whole other blog post…it was a fun challenge to pack up our lives and make arrangements in just a few short days in the middle of pandemic. We’re doing fine here, other than suffering from crippling boredom, but I think everyone around the world is in the same boat right now, so no complaints here!

      I hope you and the girls are all doing awesome!

  9. As a South African expat I feel your pain. I, however, have to renew my drivers license on July 31st in Florida USA in this covid climate. It will be interesting to see how that goes, because visiting those offices is not a picnic either.

  10. Wow! I’ve written the learner’s licence test about 8 times (and passed every time by the way). And it has never been this big a deal. Gauteng likes to take something simple and make a meal of it though. I live in the Western Cape and we once bought a car in Gauteng. The owner had applied for the registration certificate when she decided to sell the car, but it took another month from when we bought it before she could finally collect it.
    Glad you are safely back in Canada. Please don’t abandon your blog, you are an entertaining storyteller.

    1. 8 Times! You must have the patience of a saint…

      And yes, my only experience dealing with any government agencies in South Africa has been limited to Gauteng, but they sure know how to make you hate your life there!

      1. Let’s rather say it was a relationship fail and leave it at that.

        As much as Gauteng beaurocracy makes you want to chew off your wrists, the Western Cape is a completely different country. I once managed to renew my driver’s licence in 15 minutes from parking at the office to the end of the transaction. And had an lovely chat with one of the officials about his his new Golf GTI while going through the process – which included changing my surname and my address. Yes, I AM bragging.

        1. I’ve heard from multiple sources that things run much more smoothly in the Western Cape. Part of me wishes I was able to experience that, but then the other part of me realises that Maple and Marula probably wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for all the hilarious things that kept happening to me in Gauteng. So I’m at peace.

  11. I was lucky, I renewed my driver’s licence here in Cape Town in December in less than 30 mins. I went in at 3pm in the afternoon and left at 3.25 just before closing time. The previous time I went I had a back problem which I explained so they graciously led me to the front of the seated queue so I would not have to stand. We have been enjoying wonderful weather the entire lockdown here in Cape Town despite it being close to winter. However this week we have been hit with rain and gale force wind. Hope we see more of your posts and that you and your family stay well wherever you end up!

    1. I’ve heard things work differently in the western cape than they do in Gauteng! To be honest though, I feel sorry for you. I mean, being in and out so quickly doesn’t make for a great story around the braai!

  12. Haha. Gauteng may be bigger/faster/technologically advanced, and the Western Cape is undoubtedly more efficient and a million times more beautiful but, for sheer bloody mindedness you HAVE to do the Eastern Cape. Came here from UK in 1991. Still here and still amazed on a daily basis

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