How to Fall Out of Love With South Africa in 30 Minutes Flat

Listen, South Africa, my love affair with you is over. I was once smitten. Head over heels. Infatuated. I tried to look past all your warts, but I mean, you REALLY seem intent on being a bad date.

So how exactly did I fall out of love with the country that’s shown me wild elephants and the almighty braai? Well, let me tell you…

A few weeks ago, our good friends (the Germans) asked us if we wanted to take a road trip with them through Botswana and Namibia. This sounded like the adventure of a lifetime, so of course we were in! The German had meticulously planned the trip, including routes and places to stay because well, he’s German. Of course he did. What we could never have anticipated was that while we planning our trip, South Africa was planning to screw us more thoroughly than a horse mounting a hamster.

When the big day arrived, we packed our excited kids and our excited selves into the car and drove several hours to the border. We had all our paperwork in line, and we knew there wouldn’t be any problems. Except, you know. South Africa.

Let’s take a step back here, because this is important. My 2 kids and I all have new Canadian passports that were issued in South Africa. My kids’ passports had expired, and when your passport expires, the Canadian government gives you back the old passport that has all your stamps. Cool.

However, if your old passport has been damaged, like, let’s say hypothetically by a washing machine, they KEEP the old passport when they issue you a new one. I have no idea why, but that’s their policy.

OK, moving on.

To get into Botswana, you first have to get OUT of South Africa. Our first mistake was that we went to a tiny little border where there were only a couple of border guards working. For those of you who know how South Africa works, this is a red flag. The fewer the number of workers at any given place, the higher the chance that they will be incredibly incompetent or corrupt. And there won’t be anybody else higher up to whom you can appeal.

The border guard, or from here on as he will be known, Mindless Petty Tyrant, went through my wife and kids’ documents. All was fine. Then he got to my passport.

Mindless Petty Tyrant: There’s a problem. There are no stamps in your passport.

Me: Oh, ya. That’s because it’s brand new. See? It was issued in Pretoria. My old one was damaged and the Canadian High Commission kept it.

MPT: But there isn’t an entry stamp. I don’t know that you’re here legally.

Me: Ah. Yep. I can see why that looks weird. Look, let me get the Canadian High Commission on the phone, and they can explain it to you.

MPT: No. You’re not going through.

At this point, MPT walked into his office and studiously ignored me. I called my contact at the Canadian High Commission and he offered to talk to MPT. He was as stunned and disappointed as I was.

I asked him to hold the line and begged the other disinterested guard to bring MPT back out. When MPT came sauntering out of his office, I started to ask him if he could talk to the guy at the High Commission.

MPT: No. I’m not talking to you until you put your phone down.

Me: But I’ve got a guy from the Canadian High Commission on the phone. He can explain the whole situation.

MPT: … *walks away again.

I explained to my contact that MPT refused to speak to him. He then said he’d send me an official letter explaining the passport policy and scans of all the pages of my old passport, showing the times I’d entered and exited South Africa.

Within minutes I had the email and asked to speak to MPT again. MPT had no interest in even looking at the documents, so at that point, I asked to speak to somebody higher up. He then told me HE was the boss.

After some back and forth, I found out there was another supervisor, so I asked to speak to her. MPT disappeared for about ten minutes and then told me that I could see her. He followed us to her office and then stood in the doorway with a sneer on his face when she told us MPT had already explained the situation and there was nothing she could do. And that was that.

Our vacation was over. I noticed a suggestion box, so I asked MPT for a piece of paper, which he disdainfully thrust at me. I dutifully reported all the painstaking details, knowing that it probably wouldn’t matter. And I was right. After I had finished and dropped the paper in the box, I asked who gets the suggestions. With an arrogant smile, MPT showed me a key and pointed at himself. Great.

So there it was. 6 nights in expensive hotels down the drain, and our vacation plans shot to pieces.

How To Fall Out of Love With South Africa

So, so close….

Before anybody starts suggesting it, yes, I KNOW if I had just slipped a couple R200 notes into my passport, it would have been fine. But that’s not the point. Corruption is rampant in South Africa, and there’s no way I’m going to help perpetuate the system. I know I’m not going to change it, but I’m sure not going to support it.

Was I mad? Yep. So mad, in fact, that on the drive home I was calling those numbers on the backs of trucks asking “How’s my driving?” (The thing about South Africa, though, is EVERYONE drives like a drunk pigeon, so of COURSE truck drivers are the same).

So yes, South Africa. Our love affair is over. After trying your best to show me your terrible side over and over again, I’ve soldiered on. But at some point, enough is enough.

In my experience, there are two types of government workers in South Africa: corrupt or inept. In this case, I think it was the perfect combination of both.

Will I get over this? Of course I will. South Africa is like your crazy ex-girlfriend, Tiffany. Tiffany is hot. She’s fun. Then she gets super high, stuffs a baby up her nose and robs a 7-11 before crashing your car in her attempt to outrun the authorities. You swear you will NEVER talk to Tiffany again.

But then your phone rings. It’s Tiffany. And although you KNOW Tiffany is going to ruin your life -again- you still answer.

South Africa, I’m waiting for your call.

*edit- apparently I’ve done a crap job of explaining the problem. I have certified copies of all my old documents. I have a valid work visa. What the guard was hung up on was the physical absence of my old passport. He said he needed to have it in his hands. If the passport was stolen, I’d have the same issue. He was totally fine letting my kids enter because we had their old passports. It wasn’t a visa thing. It wasn’t a lack of preparation on my part. It was him not understanding that I did not, and will never have, my old, damaged passport.

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About the Author

I’ve been many things. A university English instructor, a picker upper of dead bodies, a musician, and a sales guy. My work brought me and my family from Vancouver, Canada to Pretoria, South Africa in September 2016, and I’m still wondering how that happened. I started this blog mostly because my friends back in Canada kept asking me how things were in South Africa, and posting about my experiences seemed more efficient than repeating myself hundreds of times. Maple and Marula is a way for me to make sense of my new surroundings as an expat who has no idea what I’m doing.

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34 Comments


  1. My sincere sympathy.

    I was going to say – email Malusi Gigaba! He’s the Minister, he’ll… Oh wait a minute, he’s the one who told a FB friend of mine that he’d sort out his little problem for around R5000 a few years ago.

    My sincere sympathy.

    1. Haha- ya. Somebody else told me to contact him. But he’s like the fox guarding the henhouse. If the guys at the top are corrupt, there’s not much that can be done.

  2. That’s SA for you!Corruption…bribery is like the best thing in SA!!So sorry that you did not get to your vacation…

    1. There’s lots to love about this country- the way it’s run isn’t necessarily one of them. It’s still young though- hopefully they sort it out before it completely implodes!

  3. Ouch. I know a Canadian (let’s call him “Steve”) whose passport also fell prey to the washing machine.

    And then there was the time “Steve’s” Canadian passport was stolen in Botswana (the only place in the world this has happened). “Steve” also has an American passport (we don’t discuss the details) and so he exited Botswana on a passport with no entry stamp.

    There was a good amount of shrugging and “Really?” going on, but, to be honest, I’M LEAVING. I was excused.

    So this SA individual was a petty tyrant (jobsworth is the UK term) but… the Canadian government (and I love them so) really should understand these things. It *is* their job to know – for example – that a Canadian resident in SA *must* be able to show proof of entry and or a resident visa.

    Speaking of which – what about your resident paperwork? Was that an entry in your Canadian passport? If so, they are doubly damned, because even the UK would throw you out if you “lost” your “indefinite leave to remain” passport stamp. They should know better!

    https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/04/01/long-way-home

    1. Sounds like an adventure for your, ahem, buddy. I have a work visa. It’s valid- the guy was just insisting that I show him my old passport, which doesn’t exist. If I was a magician, this whole thing could have been avoided!

    2. That link was an obnoxious read. So sorry that you feel unwanted when you travel to France, NYC and UK

  4. Aaah sounds so familiar. Sorry for your pain and thank you for keeping faith with ‘Tiffany’. I couldn’t do it anymore so moved to Australia; but Africa gets into your bloodstream and you can’t get it out.

  5. Sorry man Phil! Please don’t let PAWPAW Petty Tyrant put you off these 2 sexy ex girlfriend: Botswana and Namibia – beautiful countries and great people! Pity we cannot say the same for Petty Tyrant! Funny I had the same thing happy with my Brit passport crossing into Seattle from Vancouver BUTTTT the difference was… sanity and bloody common sense reigned and I got to enjoy both, whilst catching up with close friends , who have lived across the fence from each other and had last seen each other back here in SA! So start planning your trip back to the border and falling in love again😇😎

  6. I am an American currently living on a Retirement VISA in SA.

    My SA wife ensured I made certified 3 certified copies of every important document. I keep one set n the glovebox of my car. I’m talking about my Passport, VISA, Marriage License, Proof of Application for Permanent Residency (which I should receive in a few months) Title Deed of my home, US Drivers License, Automobile registration etc.

    WHY? because you never know what documents you will be asked for by police or other governmental officials. And Certified Copies are as good as the original (except for PR document). Sometimes those in power use it to belittle others. I do not believe this is a specific problem to SA as I’ve experienced the same rude behavior in other countries when things are not as they expect and the person thinks too highly of themselves.

    In hindsight a certified copy of your old Passport would have shown the Entry Stamp and the Border Guard would have no excuse to detain you.

    While I am sorry for your situation, I also understand the concern of the Border guard. Why he was unresponsive to the call from Canada is poor behavior on his part.

    I understand you are here for work and one day will be returning to Canada. Best sort this out in advance or you might experience the same when returning home (depending upon the guard checking your paperwork)

    1. Yep, definitely good advice re: the certified copies. I had all those (I just did a bad job of explaining that in the post). The guard didn’t care- he insisted that he needed to hold and touch my old passport, which is an impossibility! I fully believe I’ll have better luck next time though- I DO have all my paperwork in place. I just need to be in a place where there’s a supervisor who understands the laws.

  7. Forgot to mention – keep a a few R100 note with your Certified Copies and when you go to pull the one requested make sure the official sees them, but don’t say a thing. Let them lead ).

  8. This is insane! I’ve heard lots of crazy passport-related stories but this is the first time I’ve heard of this particular problem. My most recent US passport was also issued at the consulate here in SA and I’m sure no one asked me for my old passport the first time I left. Ridiculous!

      1. I’ve always considered the small borders to be safe bets — the people there are often more laid-back. But apparently not this time. Sorry.

  9. Don’t feel too bad, it happens to us South Africans as well! Tried to get my drivers license renewed and issued for the first time in my married surname. As I got married overseas my marriage certificate is not that familiar looking to government officials. I had of course already registered the marriage at Home Affairs and had my passport issued in my married name but that was not sufficient to deter my MTP from telling me I needed to “legitimize” my marriage, refusing to help me and refusing to acknowledge my passport as valid identification! Needless to say I walked out and went to the next Licensing Centre down the road where they were a little more competent!

  10. Oh boy I am SO sorry that happened to you. Sounds like all my run-ins with Eskom over the years. You get SO mad and yet you can’t do anything. The suggestions box is the kick in the face at the end of your story. I think my husband would have exploded right then and there had that happened to him.
    I do hope SA comes through for you in another form soon. I know it will. At least it’s always good for an entertaining blog post!

    1. Oh man- I remember your Eskom saga! The worst part is KNOWING. you’ve done everything by the book and have everything you need, but still hitting roadblocks.

      And I’m not gonna lie- I did need to walk away because an explosion was imminent!

      And yes- I haven’t given up on South Africa yet! It seems to be trying very hard sometimes to make me regret me decision, but whether it’s my own stupidity or whatever, I’m still glad I’m here!

  11. Phil, the reality is that these guys wanted to block you and that they would block you no matter what. SA isn’t Canada because of its complicated history. If someone wanted to help you, they would find a way to help you. If they don’t want to help you, they will find a reason not to.

    You are a good writer, you know how to create tension and make things interesting.

    Then again, if you keep bumping into these people and not shield yourself from them, you’re going to leave hating SA. Nobody wants to these low paid jobs, so you can’t expect to deal with class of people like you did in Vancouver.

    I also find it interesting that people are harder on you because you’re a guy, even though you’re a fighter and trying to do things right. Have you seen Cassie Jaye’s movie called The Red Pill? I recommend it.

    I’m unsure how to feel about your blog (did I mention someone used your blog to try and phish my data via Apple Store 3 months ago?) because you’re dealing with a lot of stress and hassles unlike someone’s bored expat wife.

    Then again, you wouldn’t have an interesting blog without these issues. Just be careful not to piss someone off because there’s no knowing what they are capable of doing. It’s not Canada. Don’t get too arrogant, it’s their rules, unfair as they may be

    1. I don’t really think it has much (or anything) to do with my gender. In fact, I think it gives me an advantage in a lot of situations because I have no problems being assertive and taken seriously. Except at the border, apparently…

      My experiences have been overwhelming positive- this was just a hiccup in the road.

      And what this about the phishing thing??? That’s crazy! Are you able to give me any more details so I can see what’s going on?

      1. No no, I didn’t mean it as a backhanded compliment or anything. I just meant that as a young expat wife, I usually read other blogs about expat wives. They don’t have to deal with expat office stress, or uncooperative colleagues or being responsible for their whole family, so you gave me an insight what’s it like from a man’s point of view, and I thank you for it!

        The phishing thing happened when you got into a fight with your crazy black neighbour, and then your blog was down for a few weeks, so when it got back up, I visited your website and my Apple store notified me that someone was using my in Johannesburg was using my credit card, even though there was no credit card linked with my account at the time. Weird, but it was a long time ago.

        I think you’re quite good-looking, so just wondering if you’ll be my lover? Kidding!

        Happy 2019!

  12. There is that wonderful service attitude in SA, as well as a huge dose of corruption, ineptness and entitlement. We’re sick of this place and have been for a long time. There is a reason why it stays or back peddles from where it is or was. Rules compared to first world countries are seemingly much more arbitrary and one-sided. Enforcement of these rules is non-existent when you need it and heavy-handed when you don’t. Everything is racialized despite everyone shouting that they want to move on. The sheer arrogance of people who deny any wisdom in your experience or input because you’re a “foreigner” and you “don’t understand” SA. So be it. I’ll take my self elsewhere, where people appreciate diversity, difference and respect.

  13. Uhm, by Law (in every country on earth), you need to be able to present a valid work visa/permit. If it’s damaged in any washing machine, you need to get a new one. Simply being “Canadian” doesn’t entitle you to any right of work in South Africa… just BTW. How would the Canadians act towards a South African in that situation?

    1. Hi Patrick! Thanks for the comment.

      Now please have an adult (preferably somebody who has matriculated), slowly read the whole thing out loud to you and explain what the words mean.

      I had a valid work visa. It was there. The issue the guard had was that I didn’t have my OLD passport and visa with me, which I didn’t have, and never would.

      When I flew out of OR Tambo a couple of months later with exactly the same, legal and valid paperwork, there was no issue.

      So to answer your question, I would hope Canadians would know how to do their job properly, and would act accordingly to a South African.

      1. Apologies, my understanding of “American English” is elementary at best…
        However, I’m afraid the slower this literary gem is read to me, the more entitled you sound.

        I’ll be quite frank, I’m not sure you realize how the Canadian government treats Africans like lepers.

        1. Freedom to cross borders is a privilege, I’ll admit. And yes, I guess I felt entitled to cross because I had the correct paperwork in place and the border guard simply didn’t have the training or mental capacity to do his job properly.

          But whatever the reason, yes, it speaks to my privilege because I know not everyone has the opportunity to travel. So I guess we can agree on that part!

          And I’m truly sorry if you’ve had a bad experience with Canadian officials. I hope they do their job properly (if you have all the correct paperwork, I’d hope they accept it!) but I know they don’t have a habit of making things easy. Whatever the issue is/was, I do hope you’ve got it sorted out!

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