Stranger Danger

We all know that strangers are bad news. I’m not here to refute that. But in my experience, it’s not like they’re any worse than everybody else. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention to the news lately, but humanity in general is a giant dumpster fire. Everybody is a hot garbage pile, and being a stranger doesn’t really add to or detract from that in my books. 

So that being said, I interact with strangers all the time. On the internet. Maybe don’t use me as an example of what to do when you’re talking to your kids. 

Anyway, because crippling boredom seems to be a pandemic sweeping the globe, people often take the time to send me messages on my blog. My first thought is always, “don’t you have anything better to do with your time?,” and my second thought is always, “This is so exciting!,” because I truly have nothing better to do, and I always appreciate hearing from people. Mostly. Like, some people are so full of anger that they feel they NEED to send me messages telling me what a waste of time I am, which they waste their time doing, so the joke’s ultimately on them. But like I said, most of the time I love it.

Anyway, Magda is a crazy rhino lady, who, like me, is a guest in South Africa. A while ago she found out that my favourite cheese hands down is Tillamook extra sharp cheddar. The only problem is that you can’t buy it in South Africa. Fortunately for me, one day Magda decided to convince her bewildered husband, Robert, that on his next trip to the USA he needed to bring cheese back for a strange man she met on the internet. Because Robert knows better than to question Magda, and much to my benefit, he did. That was a couple months ago, and when we met, we got along immediately. And then last night he returned from another trip to the US and brought me back two more loaves of heaven as a Christmas present. I owe you guys so big!

Tillamook Cheese Extra Sharp Cheddar
To be honest, I don’t even care what orifice this enters, as long as it gets in me.

“But Phil,” you say, “this is an isolated incident. You should totally avoid strangers as a general rule!”

Poppycock. 

Let me tell you about ANOTHER lady I met on the internet…

I don’t know if people in South Africa realise it, but when it comes to certain things, y’all get screwed harder than every single person who thinks it’s totally acceptable to pay $5 for a mediocre coffee at Starbucks. You can’t get REAL chocolate chips here. You need to sell a kidney to be able to afford electronics in South Africa. Toys are about twice expensive here than in North America. And you don’t have access to friggin Amazon! (well, you have access to SOME things on Amazon, but you pay more for shipping than the value of the product). Don’t even argue that takelot is the same thing. It’s not. It’s as close to Amazon as my body is to Beyonce’s. 

Anyway, in one of my first blogs, I was whining about all the stuff I missed from Canada. Almost immediately, I got a message from Daleen, a South African living in Canada (who is now officially a Canadian- Congrats Daleen and family!) She offered to bring me whatever I wanted to order the next time she came to visit South Africa. Right away, I started wondering where I could find mountains of coke and competence, but I didn’t take her up at the time because I was going back to visit Canada soon anyway.

However, a year went by, and Christmas was coming up again, as it has a habit of doing. She offered again, and this time, I took her up on it. Boy did I ever take her up on it. Within a few days, packages started arriving at her doorstep. Daleen and her husband, Kobus, have now landed in South Africa, and I had the pleasure of meeting them last night (and relieving them of all the stuff they brought for me). We’re having them over for a lekker braai on Friday night, but that won’t even come close to paying them back for everything they’ve done for me. 

Amazon Loot
I can’t wait to eat all this.

So anyway, the whole point of this post is to 1) extend my sincere appreciation and thanks to my new friends I made on the internet, 2) encourage you all to just get in the next time a guy in a white van asks you to come help him find his puppy. The worst that can happen is you’ll get some cheese or some cool stuff from Amazon. 

(If you liked this post, don’t forget to sign up to the mailing list here so you never miss another post again! While you’re at it, you can like the Maple and Marula Facebook page here, the Maple and Marula Instagram here, and follow Maple and Marula on Twitter here)

About the Author

I’ve been many things. A university English instructor, a picker upper of dead bodies, a musician, and a sales guy. My work brought me and my family from Vancouver, Canada to Pretoria, South Africa in September 2016, and I’m still wondering how that happened. I started this blog mostly because my friends back in Canada kept asking me how things were in South Africa, and posting about my experiences seemed more efficient than repeating myself hundreds of times. Maple and Marula is a way for me to make sense of my new surroundings as an expat who has no idea what I’m doing.

Author Archive Page

15 Comments

  1. Well I guess this is a great start to Christmas for you Phil! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas surrounded by your family and friends. Best wishes for the New Year from your old store 083.

  2. Phil, we were on a safari trip to Southern Africa and had a few days in Cape Town. We had an afternoon free and wanted to get reacquainted with a bottle of wine we met in Stellenbosch. Walking down the street we met a woman coming out of her apartment and struck up a conversation. She had noticed us walk by several times and knew we were tourists. She said she and her husband were tour guides and gave us her card, offering to take us any place. We talked about a short jaunt to Stellenbosch and got a quote. We called her later and arranged to go. She was a great guide, and even drove us through one of the townships along the way. Coming home to Vancouver, we were told by a South African friend that we were crazy and at best could have been robbed and left stranded somewhere, or worse. That would never happen to a group of Canadians who always say please and thanks would it? Have a great Christmas.

  3. Love it! My husband is American and he complained about exactly the same things.. he’s still an Amazon Prime member (after living here for over 2 years) he just can’t let go.
    He hates baking chocolate chip cookies because our chocolate chips sucks and he complains about our import taxes all the time.

    Glad to hear you’re making friends.
    Thanks for the chuckle.

    1. I finally cancelled my Prime subscription. It felt like killing one of my own children. I’ve totally stocked up on chocolate chips now… We should be good until some friends arrive in August and bring some more!

      1. I just use chopped up slabs (sometimes I splurged on Lindt!!) But yes, avoid the SA choc chips like the plague. From time to time I’m tempted to try some from The Baking Tin (don’t know if it’s a Cape Town chain or if you have them in Gauteng?), but they sell in bulk, so if I didn’t like them, I’d be stuck with seventy billion kilograms…

  4. Six years in South Africa made me appreciate so many things. 911. Police and firemen who do their jobs. Being able to drive with my windows down, my handbag on my seat, and not having to stress. SHOPPING. Half sized shoes. Cookies and American biscuits. Mexican food. The price of petrol. Not having to pay out my arse for data on my cell. Not needing an electric fence etc to sleep at night.

    And living under Zuma really prepared me for Trump 😂

    But I miss swearing in Afrikaans (which I can still do but no one understands me), all the cheap, lekker takeaways, the abundance of halal restaurants, all the visibly Muslim, Hindu, and Jewish mense, Woolies, Akhalz, houses made of sturdier stuff than reinforced toilet paper, the hadedas, casinos that double as resorts, the breathtaking beauty of South Africa in general, car guards (I have to lug my own stuff to my car 😓), cheap dental care, and the massive alternative medicine in ZA.

    But I’m really happy to be home

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.