While Canada has many redeeming qualities, it’s not exactly world-renowned for its balmy weather. We can give you maple syrup and Celine Dion up your wazoo, but we can’t deliver year-round tanning weather. In fact, if you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to have boogers freeze in your nose or wanted to experience the delicate art of peeing in -40 degree weather without getting frostbite on your mutton dagger, I’d suggest visiting Saskatchewan in January.
But even though we have precisely 2.5 days per year to enjoy basking in the sun, we still manage to have massive water parks all over the place, and these massive water parks contain massive water slides, which draw throngs of people seeking to beat the heat (anything over 15 degrees).
Because we now live in South Africa, I thought water parks would abound. But then I remembered we live in South Africa and things that SHOULD be rarely are.
Last weekend, we wanted to take the kids to some waterslides, but we didn’t feel like driving the 2 hours to the Valley of Waves at Sun City. No matter- we were able to find a waterpark a mere 25 minutes from us! It turns out Zambibush Resort was not only nearby, but it had many excellent reviews from the locals. We packed up the kids and off we went for fun in the sun!
Welcome to Fun City!
OK, so the parking lot didn’t exactly scream “you’re gonna have a fun time here,” but to be fair, music is for suckers and perverts, so we still bravely ventured forth.
As I was paying our admission, I asked if it was OK if we brought our own music to listen to. The cashier wasn’t amused, and my wife was swiftly reminded why she doesn’t like to go out in public with me.
But whatever, it was time for fun!
yaaaaaaaaaaaay….
The first thing to greet us was, uh, well…I don’t know. It might have been a giant replica of dinosaur dung. Or maybe it was was a replica of a meteorite that looked like a giant replica of dinosaur dung. Whatever the case, it was falling apart and didn’t serve any clear function. The garbage-filled moat was the icing on the poop cake. OK, so far, it was pretty much the same as Disneyland.
Whatever. We were sure the REST of the park was spectacular!
I was beginning to regret packing my piano all this way
The first stop was the green slides. These actually weren’t that bad. Like, I mean, they weren’t GOOD either, but they had water flowing down them, and the slides ended in a pool. I guess that’s all you can really ask for. It wasn’t until afterwards that I discovered a kid died there a few months ago. Oh, and a couple months after that, there was another fatality. But you know, this is South Africa, not North America, and safety is for suckers.
Anyway, the kids had fun for a few slides, and then we decided to check out the rest of the park.
I think this slide was out of order, but there weren’t any signs, so I’m not entirely sure
The park was pretty spacious, and there were several lapas available to rent. Even though most of them were empty, there were several prominent signs declaring that to use them, you needed to pay for them. Fair enough- who needs somewhere to sit when there’s a bunch of soggy grass on which to relax?
The centre of the park contained the best slides. And by “best slides” I mean the ones that provided the least amount of regret over making this particular excursion.
As good as it gets
The speed slides in the center were kind of fun, and the yellow tube slide was good for one or two runs, but there was a slide that looked much better. And of course it wasn’t working.
Wheeeeee! (is what I imagine it would have been like if it was operational)
After about 37 seconds, we decided we had enough and went to the kiddies section, which seemed like a good idea at the time.
Except the coolest kiddie slide was broken. Because of course it was.
The good news is you were allowed to LOOK at it
The bottom of the pool could have used some more paint too, but it was pretty much a moot point. The kids played on some of the smaller slides for a little while, and then we decided we’d go check out the brand new indoor play area Zambibush proudly advertises on their website. On the way over, the kids could always burn off some energy jumping on the trampoline.
Or not
The indoor play area was amazing! If you wanted to film a horror movie.
You could play on the bouncy castles…
Yippeee!
The kids were done after a few bounces
Or you could play pool, if you were so inclined.
We were not so inclined
We could also let the kids play in a nice enclosed area filled with all kinds of toys!
So, so many toys
And dirt. So, so much dirt
There was also a small lazy river and other small waterslides for the kids, which, you guessed it, didn’t work.
I consider the fact it wasn’t full of blood and locusts a win
OK, so the indoor playground was a bit of bust. We thought maybe we’d go soak in the hot tub. Except nope. The caution tape encircling the hot tub was well weather-worn, telling us it hadn’t been operational for quite some time.
It’s disappointed more women than me in high school
I’ll give this to the owners of Zambibush Resort- you could fill entire warehouses with the craps they don’t give. They made no effort whatsoever to hide the derelict parts of the park, and people were inexplicably allowed to access them. It was definitely…something.
If you still want to go check this place out because you truly dislike your kids, you can even stay the night there! I didn’t have the chance to check out the accommodation, but I’m sure they’re super neat and tidy.
Listen up, South Africans- quit leaving positive reviews for steaming garbage dumps subpar amusement parks! Please please please realise that this isn’t normal! All of your online praise had my hopes up. But then I got South Africa’d. Again.
At least it gave me something to write about.
If any of you have better recommendations within a 2 hour drive of Pretoria, I’m all ears!
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That looks truly horrible! Try Wild Waters in Boksburg, it’s not as great as the Valley of the Waves, but it’s still pretty good. At least it was a few years ago, I haven’t been there in a while, but the reviews still look good on their Facebook page.
Thanks Nadia- I’ll check it out next time! The truly amazing thing is this place had all kinds of good reviews too- I can’t tell if it’s one highly organised, long-term prank, or if people actually think this is normal!
I went to read some of the Zambibush reviews now, and one of the 4-star reviewers said “I only gave this place 4 stars, because one of the slides cut you as you go down”. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…
I saw that too! Apparently expectations are a little different here…
Oh dear Phil! That is truly horrible! I don’t know if you have heard of Forever Resorts? They have a good place in Bela Bela. I haven’t been there for a couple of years but the kids do have a good time and I don’t mind paying extra for the Hydro. http://www.foreverwarmbaths.co.za/index.php According to Google it is 1hr 49mins away, so it is just inside 2 hours! Or you could try Wild Waters in Boksburg https://wildwatersboksburg.co.za/ I have never been so perhaps you could check it out for me 🙂
Thanks Debbie! I’ll do my best to check them both out in the near future! I’ve been to Valley of the Waves once, and it’s definitely world class, but I want to find a few things that are a closer to us, too.
And one more in Midrand http://stokecity.co.za/
Hm- that looks like it could be fun too!
………….and they had the cheek to charge you to get in???
Haha- yes! It was worth it though. I got a blog post out of it.
I have a bunch of lovely places that you can visit to get a different experience of South African outdoor fun in the Gauteng area. I will dig into my archives and do a blog post on these, then send you the link to the post. I have photos, experiences, and anecdotes, a-plenty.
As for THAT place. To be totally Sarff Effrican… jinne fok….nooit.
Oh, and…maybe I should throw in a travelogue on the most fascinating – but easy – places to visit/holiday/vacation if you have two weeks to spare… that will up the ante in terms of “never forgotten”.
Haha- I agree with your assessment.
That would be great- I’d really appreciate a Gauteng guide, and I’m sure many others would too!
It will be fairly selective, about 10 or so places, but worthwhile.
Drat, I meant to add…
I live in the Garden Route, having semigrated here from Jozi in 2016. You really DO want to come visit this place. Really. You will run out of time to see everything that needs to be seen. And I will be happy to point out splendid, rustic, quirky, and crazy places to stay.
You have yourself a deal for sure. You can expect to hear from me when it’s time to pick your brain!
OMG that sounds so much like our first (and only) trip to Mozambique. Hotel there was just like your waterpark. door knobs falling off, breakfast rolls tasting like soap, only 10 towels for the entire pool population which were rotated in and out of laundry (which a quick look around the corner consisted of a clothesline they were directly hung up on to dry , never seeing a laundry), etc etc… So, as far as waterparks go: The one in Umhlanga Rocks, or is it Durban proper, is good. Ushaka Marine World. It’s also got an aquarium. Which I desperately tried to avoid because I hate freakin having to troop through aquariums that all look the same. But the water slides are good there, and it also has a dolphin show that’s pretty good. It’s not within 2 hours of Pretoria, unless you want to fly there, which really isn’t all that expensive so worth thinking about. See here http://joburgexpat.com/2012/05/colorful-durban/ for some pics and my blog post.
Haha! Oh man. Never a dull moment!
We’ve been to uShaka, and loved it! It was the off season, so there were no lineups at all. In fact, it was so slow the lifeguard at the top of the slides was sleeping for the first hour we were there, then he just disappeared all together. We’d definitely go back- just a little far for a day trip!
Gog lifestyle resort just off the N14 to Krugersdorp (Close to lanseria) is not half bad actually. https://m.facebook.com/goglifestyle
Awesome- Thanks- we’ll check it out!
I also highly recommend Forever Resorts in Bela Bela. I was there last year (and for 2 years prior) and it’s just fabulous. Even in winter as it’s low season and you have the heated pools to yourselves. The kiddies area is outside so not as warm. But it’s well maintained and clean. Book a chalet and you enter the Hydro at no cost. Definitely worth it.
Thanks Leanne- I’ve added it to our list to check out!
At times like this I am so glad I don’t have kids.
Haha! It’s not so bad if you just get a tetanus shot before you visit any of these places. And maybe a rabies shot too.
I love your posts! My girlfriend and I (Leanne – who commented above) are actually in the process of applying to move to Canada……so your posts seem even more relevant to us! I can only confirm what has been said above – if you are looking for a day outing, wild waters in Boksburg is the best youll get in Jhb (https://wildwatersboksburg.co.za/). I dont know about world class standards but the majority of the rides work and it is generally well looked after. Then there is Warmbaths-Bela Bela Forever Resort (http://www.foreverwarmbaths.co.za/). They have rides and hot pools and plenty of other activities for everyone (including game drives, go karts; tennis/squash courts etc). You certainly wont be disappointed with the facilities or rides. However, with so much to do, we usually go there to stay over for a long weekend. You can camp in summer else a chalet/log cabin is highly recommended and prices are reasonable. As an overnight resident you also have access to other pools which the day visitors dont, meaning you can go to bigger, nicer and quieter pools. And the kids will love it all, especially the kids areas which are mostly open 24/7 if you are staying over. Otherwise there is of course the Valley of the Waves but being double the distance and much more expensive, its not really comparable. It has world class facilities but the focus there is obviously also on Gambling/Casinos – Im not even sure there is a hot pool………I personally think, for a family, Warmbaths/Bela Bela Forever resort would be everything you wanted and more for a long weekend getaway. So hopefully youll have better luck on the next water slide outing!
Thanks for the great suggestions, Brendon. I think I’ll check them both out for sure. We do love Valley of the Waves, but it can also get extremely busy, and waiting for more than an hour for each slide isn’t super fun.
Where in Canada are you looking to move to?
If you go to either place, you will not have to spend all day in a queue (unlike Sun City and/or Gold reef City)! Bela Bela is also next to a game reserve – I see you like your wildlife – so there are also game drives etc – however, its no Kruger Park so dont expect to be seeing the big 5! (There are better places to see game….as you know).
And I’d like to recommend a new bank to you….but yes, they’re all the same. Ive read your experiences of customer service in SA and as you’ve seen – its infuriating and everywhere! The banks are no different (just like the cellphone providers and Govt depts). Tell me its better in Canada?! Although we are prepared for the worst hehe….we think. We are looking to move to Vancouver. Dependent of course on getting a job there and settling down etc….
Any time we get to spend viewing game is great- it doesn’t need to be Kruger!
I think the biggest difference between Canadian and South African customer service is that although you’ll have huge hold and wait times in Canada, all the agents are at least competent, and you can usually get what you need with very little effort (other than waiting). I find in SA, I need to wait, then I’ll get somebody who has no idea what they’re doing who will give me wrong information and not help me, forcing me to descend into an endless circle of customer service hell. I would say though that in general, you’ll spend more time on hold in Canada.
I’m partial to Vancouver- it was home to me up until 2016. It’s super expensive, but a great city!
Hahahaha – we’re so used to the endless circle of customer service hell that any wait accompanied by a resolution will be met with great ecstasy! I fully feel your frustration as we are just used to that level of (in)efficiency – we unfortunately expect to tell the same story 3 times to 3 different people, and put aside hours (if not days) to resolve even the simplest of issues. But like you say – we have the weather!
Im actually a huge hiker (love the outdoors). I see you’ve gone on a whole bunch of adventures with your family but have you gone on any overnight hiking trips? SA has some of the most stunning hikes! You can find all different degrees of difficulty so there are plenty that can involve the family – Ive even done a few in the Kruger where you walk around the park with 2 rangers for 4 days and just set up your tent whenever and wherever they say! Thats a bit too rustic/difficult for the family but they even have family-orientated ones there at Kruger. Have a look – I can see you’re an outdoor person – you wont be disappointed 😉
I hope all of you get to me Phil,l so when to read all of his blog posts you undestand this is really him, I cannot help but hear your voice and true sincerity in every word!
Tim, have you been drinking?
Hi – I’m an ex-Gautenger who’s now living in (a very pretty part of 😄) New Jersey, and NO ONE in my day would have gone to ‘family parks’ in the Magaliesberg: as a result they were always semi- derelict. The thing to do was to contact the Mountain Club of SA / and get info on access to the Magaliesberg kloofs (over private land- mostly, thus had to have permission or go with them – they did lots of hikes for families with small kids and taught beginner rock- climbing on them while wives and children swam and braaied). Castle Gorge and Tonquani (upper part) are still under their control. Do contact them for further info – they have an MCSA-Gauteng website you can google. There’s also an official website for the Magaliesberg which gives info on access to lower Tonquani. —— This is the true SA experience outside JHB – untouched kloofs, crystal clear water you can drink, wonderful pools, some not-too-difficult hiking – unique to SA in its pristine beauty. Let me know if you follow up! For me the Magaliesberg were always a reason to go back to SA – that and the Drakensberg, the Garden Route, and the South and Wild Coasts!
Will send some photos if you reply. Good luck!
Hey Kathrin- what a great idea! I’ll definitely check that out. It sounds amazing!
Yes, do! Sorry – posted a slightly edited version on FB too – didn’t mean to bombard you but wanted to get the message to you 🙃😊!
Haha- All good. I see I have a message there- I’ll check it out!