I woke up the other day and realised we moved to South Africa just over two years ago. Two. Years. In dog years, I’ve been in South Africa longer than the Spice Girls were a band. It’s been all kinds of crazy and all kinds of wonderful (but mostly all kinds of crazy). In what other place in the world could wild elephants, shark-filled oceans, Julius Malema, massive braais, and neverending jols exist? Some of those are great, while others are up for debate (hint- it rhymes with shlalayma), but one fact remains: it’s never boring here. A long time ago, I wrote a post called 30 Ways To Know You’re Almost A Local in South Africa. Since then, I’ve come up with 31 other things that happen when you move to South Africa.
- You’ve perfected the art of the braai.
- You’re used to scalding, then freezing your hands, then scalding them again because WHY DO SO MANY SINKS HAVE 2 FREAKING FAUCETS INSTEAD OF JUST ONE THAT BOTH HOT AND COLD WATER COMES OUT OF???? (ok, maybe I’m still not used to that one)
- You’ve attempted to peel off the last stubborn bit of paper from a Fizzer before just thinking “screw it,” and eating the whole thing, paper and all.
Don’t even act like you haven’t done it.
- You know where to buy the cheapest, driest sekelbos. And you’ve judged people who pay too much.
- You’ve muttered “not today, you blerrie chop,” as you’ve steadfastly held your ground and refused to let a taxi cut in front of you.
- You know the difference between actual traffic fines and R100 “spot fines.”
- You can pretty much keep it together and now only kinda giggle at all the guys wearing short shorts.
I mean, come on.
- You’ve put off doing something indefinitely simply by uttering the magic words: “I’ll do that just now,” knowing full well that you won’t be doing anything of the sort.
- “Sorry, I got stuck in traffic,” is a perfectly acceptable excuse to rock up late to literally anything. And you’ve used it.
- You’ve been added to several hundred Whatsapp chat groups. Every once in a while something useful/relevant comes in.
- You’ve always got a packet of emergency biltong handy. Just in case.
- You automatically start unplugging expensive electronics whenever you hear thunder.
- You don’t call the police anymore when you hear hadedas because you now know that sound was just a bird and not 679 people being murdered all at once right outside your window.
- You know that red robots are nothing more than a suggestion and that stop signs are for sissies.
- You call traffic lights robots now.
- You have a least one electrical outlet in your house that is definitely a fire hazard.
Nothing to see here.
- You’ve eaten a…whatever this is….and lived to tell the tale.
What can I say…I like to gamble.
- You’re no longer shocked by unintentionally hilarious signs.
Considering this was in a government office, I was more concerned about being robbed by the people INSIDE.
- You know there are 3 ways to braai steak: rare, medium rare, and get out of my house and never return.
- Eating a wors roll at a kids’ sports event at 8am on a Saturday seems perfectly reasonable to you.
- You know that heating or cooling part of an office will immediately make every single one of your colleagues grievously sick, because we all know slight variations in temperature are what cause colds, not viruses.
- You get all of Trevor Noah’s jokes.
- You look forward to payday because you know you’ll be able to buy a tank of petrol and then maybe a loaf of bread with all the money that’s left over.
- Driving into oncoming traffic to pass a slow-moving vehicle driving on the yellow line no longer requires a full seat cleaning and new underwear.
- You’ve embraced the fact that it’s socially acceptable for adults to drink at over-the-top kids’ birthday parties.
- Your power has been out for days and days because a substation overloaded when cables were stolen and when the workers went to fix it, they brought defective tools, so they had to go back and get working tools, and on the way back, they got held up at gunpoint, which caused further delays and led to another substation not just malfunctioning, but blowing entirely up, and when it was rebuilt, there were still delays because the newly-laid cables kept getting stolen before they could even turn power on.
- When number 26 actually makes sense to you.
- When you go to a Springboks game and actually understand what’s going on.
I mostly just wanted to brag about the fact I got to see a Springboks/All Blacks game.
- You know what a sundowner is. And you have them regularly.
- Although you’re not proud of it, at one point in your life you’ve eaten KFC for breakfast. (OK, probably more than once)
- When you feel extraordinarily privileged to be surrounded every day by such exceptional people, culture, and natural beauty.
You can’t even step outside in Pretoria without tripping over a dang wildebeest.
Only in South Africa!
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I recall when I first moved to SA (Southern Cape – Afrikaner Country) I saw a couple of young boys without shoes at the local SPAR grocery store. At the time I didn’t understand Afrikaans. I gave R200 to my wife and asked her to give it to find the parents and give an offer to assist in buying some shoes for the lads.
Well, all hell broke loose. The father who was behind me understood English and took off with me for the offer. Little did I know going barefoot EVERYWHERE (I suppose even in a suit as best man at a wedding) is part of the Afrikaner culture.
After much explaining and apologizing I got away without being punched in the face.
Poverty I learned is in the eye of the beholder.
Haha! I love this story! I really have should included something about bare feet in this list. I have to fight to get my kids to wear shoes ANYWHERE. My (then) 4 year old daughter had a meltdown when we stopped on our layover in Germany a while ago because I insisted she put on shoes before she got off the plane. She couldn’t understand why!
I recall when I first moved to SA (Southern Cape – Afrikaner Country) I saw a couple of young boys without shoes at the local SPAR grocery store. At the time I didn’t understand Afrikaans. I gave R200 to my wife and asked her to give it to find the parents and give an offer to assist in buying some shoes for the lads.
Well, all hell broke loose. The father who was behind me understood English and took off with me for the offer. Little did I know going barefoot EVERYWHERE (I suppose even in a suit as best man at a wedding) is part of the Afrikaner culture.
After much explaining and apologizing I got away without being punched in the face.
Poverty I learned is in the eye of the beholder.
As for men wearing Hot Pants. Another Afrikaner style. I was told they thought it sexy. Were I come from short shorts means your short in the area enough to wear the pair.
On the first day of taking my daughter to her new high school in this Garden Route town I saw several senior boys wearing grey regulation shorts with their academic blazers. Shoes polished, hair in the latest style.
My jaw dropped. In Jozi, high school dudes wouldn’t be caught dead wearing uniform shorts.
Eventually found out that these guys are usually the school’s first-team rugby heroes…and they want those hard-won rugby thighs to be SEEN.
If I’d thought rugby was important in Jozi, I was in for a surprise here. Wednesday afternoons, people suddenly have to rush out the office to stand along the school field touchline to encourage their kids in the week’s match. Don’t expect any admin help from anyone after 3pm.
I’ve got to admit, I’m finally starting to understand what all the fuss is about when it comes to rugby! I still miss the NFL, but rugby is a pretty good replacement.
Fizzers… more memories. They don´t make them like they used too. BTW have you ever tried a Wilson´s ¨Champion¨ toffee – especially the cola flavour? The quickest way to lose a crown (personal experience). Candy almost as lethal as the wildlife.
I’ve seen them, but never tried them. I need to go buy some now!
Do you have a time block for your assignment here or can you remain as long as you wish?
Unfortunately the choice isn’t up to me. As it is now, I leave in August 2020. Things may change to make it a little earlier or later, but not by much.
All we can say is, welcome home. 🙂 Great article, thank you.
Thank you! It really does feel like home to me.
Hi there!
I broke the screen on my Note 3, which was under warranty. Samsung picked it up and gave me a loaner.
Well, the first loaner was locked to Vodacom and I was on MTN. Believe me, not only was I shocked but Samsung ZA was also shocked because carrier locked phones are about as rare as half size shoes in South Africa.
So it took another 3 days to get a working loaner phone.
Then I proceeded to call every single Thursday to check on my phone’s repairs. After two months of “no it’s not ready”, I actually got a call centre employee who knew her job. She said, “It shouldn’t take two months for a simple screen replacement. Let me call you back.”
Naturally I was shocked when she called me back later that day, but not as shocked as I was when she told me the courier who had my phone had been HIJACKED that same day and my phone and hundreds of other phones had been stolen, and somehow it was missed that I was owed a brand new phone!
Of course, it took another month to get said replacement. My next phone was NOT a Samsung 😂
Oh man. Only in SA….
I think #17 is a Gatsby!