Maple and Marula- The Book

15 Comments
Mopane Worms
This picture of the Potato eating a mopane worm has bugger all to do with this post. But I heard that people don’t read blogs that don’t have pictures. YOU caused this. 

In case you haven’t pieced it together yet based on my wildly infrequent posts and the overall general shoddiness of the content, this blog isn’t my job. Blogging pays just a little bit less than my other side gig castrating cockroaches (SOMEBODY needs to control their population, and I don’t see YOU jumping to the plate, Judgey McJudgenson). Anyway, what I’m saying is this blog has grown organically (and not from any conscious effort on my part) because it seems that many, many people would rather read literally ANYTHING on the internet than put in a solid hour of work at their place of employment. I never really thought of doing anything else with it.

But then…

You know how we all have that ONE pain in the ass friend? You know him or her. They encourage you. They make you do stuff. They see your strengths and don’t let you forget them. They push you beyond your comfort zones. Like I said, real pains in the ass.

My PITA is Sundae (yes, that’s what her parents actually called her. And trust me, she lucked out when it came to her name. Just ask her sisters, Plipply-Plopply and Tire). Our conversation one day went something like this:

Sundae: You should write a book.

Me: Hahaha. Nope.

S: You should write a book.

M: Uhhhh…you know I’m like, superhero lazy, right?

S: You should REALLY write a book.

M: Listen, woman, I’m not writing a book.

S: *gives disapproving side eye

At least that’s how I remember it. She also chucked in some motivational crap or something too. I wasn’t really paying attention. 

The problem is that to write a book, you need an idea. I have lots of ideas, but unfortunately there’s not a huge audience that wants to read an in depth review of which type of mustache would look best on all the different frog species of the world. 

So instead of writing this sucker in one go, I’m going to do it here. On the internet. The plan is to write a series of short posts about some of the best/worst/most ridiculous/amazing things that exist in South Africa. When I have enough, I’ll spend an inordinate amount of time and money trying to design and publish the book and make TENS of dollars off all you suckers who could just read it online for free. 

Foolproof. 

So anyway, watch this space. The first entry is coming just now…

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About the Author

I’ve been many things. A university English instructor, a picker upper of dead bodies, a musician, and a sales guy. My work brought me and my family from Vancouver, Canada to Pretoria, South Africa in September 2016, and I’m still wondering how that happened. I started this blog mostly because my friends back in Canada kept asking me how things were in South Africa, and posting about my experiences seemed more efficient than repeating myself hundreds of times. Maple and Marula is a way for me to make sense of my new surroundings as an expat who has no idea what I’m doing.

Author Archive Page

15 Comments

  1. So you’re gonna pull a David Thorne with the 27b/6?
    Blog books suck balls. I’ve read a few and always disappointed
    Just write. Don’t harvest this shit for that. You’re better than that.

    Reply

  2. I’m looking forward to it!! I really do love my country, but as farmers, it’s not safe for us anymore, so we are expats in your country now!! Thank you for sharing all the ridiculousness of a beautiful country ruled by some “fine” people!! I want to call them something but I’m scared I will be deported from Canada if I do.
    Enjoy the loadshedding!! Lol

    Reply

  3. I was a ‘trailing spouse’ stuck in Moscow all thru their Winter earlier this year and watched ALOT of crap TV.
    One show was ‘Monsters Inside Me’…. about how ruthless intestinal parasites take over and invade brains and eyeballs after people eat worms, either knowingly or unintentionally.
    Just hoping your son is fine! 😶

    Looking forward to more of your literary genius…. Carolyn

    Reply

  5. Awesome, Phil! Definitely turn this all into a book. I’ll be all over it. Turdhead just woke up on the wrong side of the world, is all. Love your writing!

    Reply

  6. Awesome Phil, can’t wait. As someone who’s been saying for 4 years that I’m working on a book, I hope that you’ll do it faster:-) It’ll be totally worth reading it, and I’ll totally promote it on my blog. Good luck!

    Reply

    1. My goal at this point is about 2 years- but we’ll see. That was also my goal to be rich and not be fat and to learn to crochet and to become a volleyball pro and to become Jennifer Lawrence’s BFF.

      Reply

  8. I’ve just been given your blog and glad I got it!! I’m arriving to Cape Town this September 1, 2019 and will be travelling through Namibia and Botswana and finally to Cairo September 30.

    Reply

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